Posted by Conor Duffy on Dec 30th, 2009
Right, that’s it. You know, I’ve played a lot of weird, crazy, messed up and downright awful games, but I’ve reached my limit. I’ve had enough – I have been broken. You win, Internet; you’ve finally beaten me.
After more than two years, I’ve realised just how pointless my reviews really are. In fact, I could probably say my very existence, and the existence of all other beings in the cosmos, are equally unimportant. Because in my search for a bad game to review this week, I hit the mother lode. I came across a game that just might be the single worst piece of data on the Internet.
Worse than 2 Girls 1 Cup. Worse than Goatse. Worse than Manga Watchmen slash. This, ladies and gentlemen, is the apex of bad. This is Platform Robot 2.
What you see in these screenshots? That is the game. That is all of the game, contained in just a few simple images. Just looking at these pictures angers me. OK, so you control a passport photo in a really bad MS Paint world that consists of one room. Who is that guy? Why is he staring into my soul like that? Stop it, strange man! Stop it!
I think I may be suffering from some kind of mental breakdown. My brain has decided that it doesn’t like the images my eyes are sending it and has decided instead to use memories of puppies running around a garden to the sounds of the Banana Splits theme. I don’t think I’m alone, either; here are examples of the comments that have been left for Platform Robot 2:
“This is not a game. Do you own a gun? buy one; kill yourself.”
- cheeseyrice
“im so scared ;[”
- GanjaGuruSmurf
“You Sir, are a genius.”
- Magical Zorse
Platform Robot 2 is kind of like the video tape from Ring – you play it, and then several days later you collapse into a quivering heap, mentally devolving to the state of an infant as you ponder the time you gave this game. The strange middle-aged man creeps out of your monitor to steal your life force, which is then used to promote the game on other websites. It’s a vicious cycle that will never, ever end. In five billion years the Sun will explode and die and the only thing in the entire Solar System to survive will be an external hard drive containing the complete works of Emily Dickinson and Platform Robot 2.
Brain not feel right.
Related posts:
- Big Mean Flash Gamer: Xnail
- Big Mean Flash Gamer: Flash Runner
- Big Mean Flash Gamer: Apollo 11 – Mission To The Moon
- Big Mean Flash Gamer: Micro Rider
- Big Mean Flash Gamer: Spooky Love
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Related posts:
- Big Mean Flash Gamer: Xnail
- Big Mean Flash Gamer: Flash Runner
- Big Mean Flash Gamer: Apollo 11 – Mission To The Moon
- Big Mean Flash Gamer: Micro Rider
- Big Mean Flash Gamer: Spooky Love
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This is not a game. This is… I don’t even know WHAT it is.
On the plus side… at least we know where the people who programmed Action 52 ended up. They obviously worked on this dreck.
Also, when you say you want to shove “pineapples” up every orifice of the author’s body, are you referring to the actual fruit or the slang term for a hand grenade?
Either way, I fully endorse this course of action…