#5: Space Jockey (US Games, 1983): Earlier, I discussed Activision’s Laser Blast and claimed it was one of the dullest space shooters you’ll ever play.  Don’t get me wrong, it is that.  But even Laser Blast had a few “hooks,” including being able to kamikaze your downed saucer into an enemy target and the lure of seeing your score turn into exclamation points at the 1,000,000 mark.  Space Jockey doesn’t even have those minor perks going for it.  It’s as generic a shmup as you’re ever likely to see in your life, the kind of game that was common in computer magazines with type-in programs at around this time, only even less interesting.  This is exactly the sort of half-assed game that flooded the market during the 2600′s lifespan and, when people stopped buying these cheap and uninspired knock-off carts, brought about the Great Crash when the major retail chains ended up with hundreds of games they couldn’t give away.  Space Jockey is nothing more than a mindless blast-a-thon with no discernable redeeming qualities to it; play it for twenty seconds and you’ve literally seen everything it has to offer.  It could serve as drug-free Sominex if you have trouble sleeping, but that’s about the only reason I can come up with as to why you’d ever want to play this snoozer.

#4: Custer’s Revenge (Mystique, 1982): In drawing up this list, I decided to limit myself to one and only one of the several “porno” games published for the 2600.  With that rule in place, it didn’t take long for me to decide which one I’d choose to bestow the dubious honor upon.  Not only is Custer’s Revenge a horrible game in its own right, the fact that it offended so many people (especially women and Native Americans) earns it a very special place in infamy.  Here’s the deal:  You’re a naked Union soldier (presumably Custer himself), and your task is to dodge arrows and reach the equally-naked native girl who’s tied to a cactus and… uh… know her “in the Biblical sense,” as it were, as many times as possible.  Do I even need to explain why this product (for it was almost certainly motivated more by making a quick buck than any love of gaming) stirred up so much flak in its day?  Not only is the gameplay awful and patently offensive, it recycles most of its sound effects from other 2600 games (including Pac-Man) and, like most “adult” games, the novelty wears off very quickly and really isn’t all that arousing in the first place (thus defeating the only possible purpose of the game!).  Sometimes, I miss the younger days of the industry, when everything was new and experimentation was encouraged… but then I see something like Custer’s Revenge cross my path, and suddenly find myself very thankful we’ve matured past the time when garbage like this was even remotely acceptable.

#3: Double Dragon (Activision, 1989): The 2600 remained on the periphery of the console universe until the end of the ’80s, albeit in its last years it was repositioned as a “bargain” system for families that found the industry-leading NES or even the SMS outside their financial means.  But with a large and still readily-available library of games, it was still attractive enough to sell reasonably well late in the decade, which warranted some new product.  Unfortunately, it was increasingly obvious to everyone that time and technology, neither of which had stood still in the years following the Crash, had simply passed the old Video Computer System by.  This was never more apparent than with this port of the game that arguably launched the beat-em-up genre into prominence.  Give Activision credit for trying to do the near-impossible in bringing this game to the 2600, but Double Dragon just doesn’t work with a single-button controller.  The control scheme is confusing and so non-intuitive that playing it becomes a chore, not fun.  When combined with poor graphics, grating sound, and brain-dead enemy AI, it becomes all too clear that this is one game that just should not have existed.  And I only wish I could say it was the 2600′s fault; Activision also released a version for the Atari 7800 that, while significantly improved in the audiovisual department, wasn’t much better in terms of gameplay…

#2: The SwordQuest Series (Atari, 1983-4): Any one of the three released games — EarthWorld (shown), FireWorld, or WaterWorld — will fit just as nicely here.  (AirWorld, the planned finale, appears to be that rarest of 2600 games… the one that is true vaporware and doesn’t have even a semi-playable prototype floating around somewhere.)  This is, of course, the infamous series where particularly adept players were given the chance to win jewel-encrusted swords, chalices, and other luxurious prizes by correctly solving riddles hidden between the actual game and the comic book included with each cartridge.  Unfortunately, the actual games do not hold up today at all.  They are basic “put Item X in Room Y” puzzles combined with simplistic arcade challenges, and in the absence of the ongoing contest (or even the essential comic books in most cases) there’s virtually no point anymore.  Lousy controls, ear-splitting sound effects, and far too many challenges where pixel-perfect precision is necessary only drive the nails even further into SwordQuest‘s coffin.  The contest was a noble idea in its time, but under no circumstances should anyone play the games today unless they’re just plain and simple gluttons for punishment.  And even then, there are cheaper and more readily-available forms of self-abuse out there.

And now, the cream of the crap, as it were… the worst 2600 game I have ever personally played:

#1: Slot Machine (Atari, 1979): I hate slot-machine simulations.  While they are probably good for scratching whatever itch you may have to pump your life’s savings into one of these rigged machines in the vain hope of a massive jackpot, there just isn’t much “game” involved in them.  Just push a button and watch the reels come to a stop.  You can try to dress them up with special “video” bonus rounds, cool music, and even the ability to “nudge” the last symbol, but the modern slot machine isn’t at all far removed from the “one-armed bandits” of yore in that their sole raison d’etre is to separate you from your money.  The 2600 version seems especially pointless to me, since it takes no advantage of the interactivity of the medium to do something different with the premise… it’s just your basic pull-the-lever-and-hope-for-the-best procedure (I can’t even call it “gameplay” with a straight face).  Even if this were 1979, I would find rolling dice with traditional slot-machine symbols on them a far preferable alternative to this wasted effort.  And with (quite frankly) more advanced and interesting slots games for the PC today, I cannot imagine anyone wanting to waste their time dusting off their 2600s to give this cart a go.  Slot Machine is to be avoided like the plague… and you don’t even have to be a “gambling is evil” type to see the wisdom of this statement.

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